I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
