She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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