Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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