why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
