I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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