I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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