time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
