im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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