The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
