Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
