I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you will always have a special place in my vag
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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