he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Randomize
