The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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