just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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