I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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