i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
