I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
