Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
