Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
