I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
