I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
