Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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