How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
