two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
