White coat. Heels.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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