two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
