I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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