i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
