is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
