No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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