oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
