i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My vagina just clenched in fear
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
