Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
