My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just puked most of my soul out..
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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