There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
do herpes really smell.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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