the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
