We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I sprained my soul last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
