Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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