Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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