if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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