If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
