I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
