3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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