When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
