Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We are all done wearing pants today
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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