I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He? As in you personified your dick?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
