I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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