Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
