im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You are the jesus of drinking
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
