I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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